Feeling fed up with any number of things, including myself, so this is a good day to practice patience.

It seems like the same situation repeats itself ad nauseam at work: someone (in management) gets a crazy idea, that is so far beyond our resources it’s laughable. They’ve got no plan—I mean, really no plan—for this project, such as personnel, timeline, budget, etc., but they run around getting staff involved and put the burden on us to figure out how to do it. When the answer comes back either “We can’t do it,” or “We can do it but it will cost $95,000,” they act like spoiled children who’ve never been told “No.” Their response is always one of two things: “Well, how about if we _______?” the blank being a completely untenable variation that only shows their massive ignorance of the subject, or “We should get a corporate sponsor for this project.” I’m not sure which response bothers me more, the first one which indicates they don’t trust my subject matter expertise, or the second one. Yes, why don’t “WE” get a sponsor. Who is more likely to find a sponsor, an associate director who regularly travels and attends conferences, or me, a lowly techie dweeb who rarely sees the light outside her cube? You want a sponsor, go get one and let me know when you’re ready!


Ha ha, blew my intention already! I was not patient, and it isn’t even 6am yet.

Kettlebells this morning. I’m trying a new workout. My go-to is all right, but as with any repetition, I’ve become tired of it, especially his fat-phobic patter. Sometimes I just turn the sound off.

Did I mention I’m returning to a semi-primal diet? Given that there are so many versions, I’m not sure whether to say I’m eating primal, or just that I’m giving up grains and sugar. Dairy TBD. I stopped the bread Friday, and my knees feel better already. Huge difference! But it makes me sad that I can’t live The Sandwich Life, because the convenience was AWESOME. I’m back to cooking a lot of food on Sundays and being very resentful that Hrodebert isn’t as helpful in the cleanup as I would like, which is causing a great deal of tension between us. So you can see, there’s more in the equation than just bread vs. knees.

Perhaps my intention should be, “Don’t be such a cranky pants.”  I’ll work on both…


It was my intention to get hiking shoes, but I was foiled by my bizarrely-sized foot (7w). I spent a good hour in the shoe warehouse store, trying on different sizes of three styles. Eventually I realized that I was simply trying to find the one that hurt the least, which is not how you want to choose a hiking shoe. I checked the men’s department, as men’s shoes are generally wider, but they started at 8, which is about a 9 in women’s.

Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 8.05.35 AMThen off to the wide shoe store. It’s pretty expensive there, but I’d be willing to invest more in good-quality shoes. I found a pair of Merrells that I really liked. Lightweight but sturdy, designed for trail use. Unfortunately their smallest size, 7.5, was still too big, my heel was coming out. I gave him my card to call me if/when they got any 7 in stock.

Then to Dicks. It’s hard to say what they might have. In the shoe area there are only a few boxes out, most of the inventory is kept in back. But there’s not anyone working in the shoe department. You have to flag down a random employee and ask them to go look in the back for such-and-such. Given that it took about 20 minutes to accomplish that once, I didn’t stick around to try it multiple times.

Then I searched online, and did not find any better price than the wide shoe store. So that’s where I’ll buy it, as long as they get it in stock soon.



Today I’m going to enjoy the cozy feeling that comes from being in a warm cat-intensive house while it’s chilly and rainy out. It would be easy to grow annoyed with ten straight days of rain (TEN), so I’m going to focus on the nice parts. Such as, it would be a great afternoon to sit around the fireplace. It’s so freaking wet out there’s no chance at all of a stray spark setting anything on fire.

Getting ready to do some sort of workout. The kettlebell workout I did Thursday? SO SORE. Friday morning I woke up a little stiff and sore. By the time I got to work my adductors were griping; by noon my quads were screaming; by COB my obliques gave me grief every time I moved. Or breathed. This morning I’m still feeling it, but at least it’s diminishing. I want to do something a little more stretchy than kettlebells today.

Listened to a couple good podcasts this morning. On the Media’s “After Oregon.” It was largely about how the NRA has blocked access to gun death statistics, but they also spoke with the founder of the No Notoriety group. Can’t remember his name; his son was killed in Aurora. He makes a very strong case for not publishing the names and photos of mass killers, because so many of them are motivated by the “glamor” of the fame they get. I see his point, but think that this practice would not be consistent with our notion of a free press. However, Gavin de Becker’s advice in his excellent book The Gift of Fear seems even better: Humiliate the murderer in the press. Misspell his name, show photos of him only in unflattering situations, describe him as pathetic or ridiculous. De Becker mentions that the image of the killer handcuffed to a toilet and guarded by a bored-looking female officer would provide a lot of disincentive.

The other was the Happier podcast. I don’t unreservedly love that one—have to say those two seem narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point that I take everything they say with a grain of salt. However, my new attitude involves finding value where I find it, without closing off possibilities before even investigating them. So anyway, the latest episode was about teasing. Now, I am a big teaser. It is totally affectionate, there is no agenda to hurt, even in a passive-aggressive way. To me teasing is just a silly way of saying how awesome I think you are. It shows how much I’m paying attention to you. But… apparently the teasee doesn’t always see it that way. I used to tease my high school best friend about every tiny flaw she had—such as a nearly unnoticeable pockmark on her forehead—because she was one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. It was a sort of joke to focus on her flaws. It would be like if I were friends with Cindy Crawford and harassed her about that one toe that’s crooked (or whatever). I would say something like, “I cannot BELIEVE you got anywhere in modeling with that toe. Did you never wear sandals on an audition???”

Many years later my friend told me how hurtful those comments were. She knew I didn’t mean them, but it still hurt to hear them. I guess no one, no matter how beautiful or otherwise perfect, has enough self-esteem to be unaffected by negative comments. I get that now. Even though the comments were meant jokingly, it’s like when people are “ironically” sexist or racist. They’re still saying those words; you are still hearing them and can be hurt by them.

So there’s a resolution for me: to tease less. It will be difficult because that is such an ingrained behavior, but I’m going to try.

easy to criticize


Today I’d like to feel happy. That’s something I rarely feel—all my various neuroses suffocate any happy feelings. Today maybe I can find ways to provoke and invoke that particular emotion. Think about kittens, make my face smile, etc. Yeah I don’t care if it’s silly.

We’re in the middle of a deluge. Rain rain and more rain, plus high winds, plus the threat of Hurricane Joaquin in a few days. So there will be little to no outdoor activity for a while.

I’m “going primal” again. Without being insane about it, but my month or so of The Sandwich Life has wreaked havoc. My knees hurt so much I can’t walk up stairs and I’ve gained probably ten pounds that I can’t afford. Unless I want to buy all new clothes. So grains are off the menu now. I’m undecided about dairy, it’s not as clear whether it has a negative impact on me. Lately I’ve been eating cottage cheese with tomatoes and cucumbers for a morning snack, which is delicious, so I’m not wild about giving that up. For now I’ll try eliminating the grains…

finished diet


I really hate that word—anyone who worked in a white collar industry in the 80s is familiar with too much management theory bullshit—but sometimes it is le mot juste. Today I want to be, if not proactive, active in my day. Making decisions and guiding events, not just reacting.

Listened to a good podcast last night called Own Your Life. The first episode, Overcoming Limiting Beliefs, was very useful. I have a great many limiting beliefs about myself—my brain is constantly filled with “I can’t,” “I don’t know how,” “I’m not the kind of person who…” Then there’s a little exercise in identifying and reducing the beliefs. I’m not going to tell you mine because it’s more useful for you to do your own :-) But I definitely had some good insights just in that 11-minute podcast.

There are only six episodes so far, and he publishes them weekly, so I’m going to restrain myself to listening to one a week.

What else… Well, here’s the benefit of having a blog. I enjoy writing it, it’s my journal and conversation with myself, whether or not anyone else reads it. When people do read it, that’s another layer of awesome. Either way, it’s a deeply ingrained habit. And occasionally it motivates me. Today I see that September’s workout calendar has nothing but walking and cardio-walking workouts. Nothing wrong with that, but it reminds me how long since I’ve lifted weights. So this morning, I got right into my workout clothes, and now Ingvor and I are headed out the garage to pump iron :-)

september 2015


Most of my daily intentions seem to be about shielding myself from negative situations and emotions. I can see how that works on an emergency basis, but it’s not good for day-to-day living. I don’t want to withdraw and numb myself.

I’m not quite ready for full Participation yet, but I can start with Acceptance. Just accept that this or that stressor exists, acknowledge it, and realize that I don’t have to react to it, or react in a particular way. I spend a lot of energy trying to fight off things that are inevitable; it would be better to use my energy actually dealing.

Yesterday was an indoor building walk. Start at the top, walk along each floor, down to the next floor. It’s not a great workout because 1) you have to be quiet and the floor is loud if you walk fast, and 2) I’m not at this point interested in walking UP the stairs. Well, that can come later. Something is better than nothing.

The weather has been unbelievably humid. Just… indescribable. It’s been raining/drizzling for several days, but even when it’s not actively precipitating, there’s just so much water in the air and drifting up from the ground that everything, including me, is damp all the time. It’s just hot enough to make it miserable. However, we see a drop in temperature tomorrow, so hopefully cold and rainy will somehow be more pleasant than warm and rainy.

I’m hoping to buy hiking shoes this week. I’ve been hiking/walking in my rather-old running shoes, and it’s not ideal. The local parks are having a 100-mile hiking challenge (to be completed within the calendar year of 2016) and I’m setting that as a goal. Well, I’m not waiting until January to hike, but I want to take it seriously. That would only be a couple miles on a weekend, according to my arithmetic, so it should be easily doable. (I say now…)  Apparently one gets a sticker or something for every ten miles accomplished. That kind of psychology works great on me! Especially if there are clear blank spaces to fill; the OCD part of me won’t rest until I have ALL the stickers, lined up perfectly.

Now, THERE’S acceptance: use your mental disorders to your advantage instead of running from them.

People searching for shells in the morning look like zombies. Beach zombies.
People searching for shells in the morning look like zombies. Beach zombies.


I’m glad I set my intention yesterday as Optimistic, because I needed it. It was a rough first day back. A pile of work waited for me, of course, and some administrative/personnel issues erupted in my absence that needed a lot of talking and hand-holding and feather unruffling. I wouldn’t think of myself as having a calming or balancing effect on a workplace, but apparently the place goes hysterical when I leave!

Even though I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to work through lunch anymore, that I was going to walk at lunchtime, noon found me at my desk trying to eat with one hand and work with the other. Fortuitously, Poppy came in to gripe about something, and mentioned she was going for a walk. I said, “Let me change my shoes,” and we were out of there. I just left my lunch sitting on my desk :-)

It was good to get out. I got totally rained on—even though I brought an umbrella, the rain was such a fine mist that it took me a long time to realize it was rain and not just sweat on my face. So I came back to the office fairly drenched and all my makeup washed off.

Didn’t care.

Overall I feel like it was a successful day, especially for a Monday. I mostly kept an even keel and didn’t get too upset about the many potentially upsetting developments; ate good food and didn’t visit The Candy Bowl; got some exercise; vacuumed and dusted the house when we got home. (I’m trying to get us back onto our house maintenance schedule.) My reward for this was that I got about three hours of sleep last night and feel AWFUL today. Just awful. So I’m setting my intention as Distance, as in “keep a distance from upsetting emotions and stress.” I want to try to zombie through the day.

Of course that never works, because other people, but I’ll try.